Sunday, December 3, 2017

Aftermath of a Narcissist, And she cried........

A light mist filled the air as she pulled out into traffic.  Wipers were necessary, or were they?  It was that annoying level of mist that didn't quite fill the windshield enough to make the wipers completely necessary but it was too much mist to see as clearly as she'd like without them.  Decisions were so much harder for her now.  Nothing was easy.

Her heart beat slowly but with pounding determination as though it would escape her chest at any moment. It was audible.  It quickly picked up speed as though it too were governed by the accelerator that urged her car forward in time with the traffic.  Her eyes welled.  Her chest heaved, anxiety set in.  She spoke out loud "Deep breath, deep breath."  but the words came out sounding like the high pitched whimper of a wounded animal.   Her effort to maintain rhythmic breathing, to find anything resembling a calmness failed.  With quickening breath she frantically searched her soul for confidence that just wasn't there.  Focus... focus.  Breathe deep, remember what he always said- take route 1, it's easier that way.  Just follow the signs.  The rain, the wipers, and the heart were beating in concert but not in harmony.  Nothing was right.  Everything was difficult.  Rain and traffic and the idiotic wipers that first were necessary and then were unnecessary.  Anxiety intensified and filled the air like thick smoke as oxygen seemed to disappear.  She could not breathe.  She could not find the rhythm of breath and it choked her.  Memories began to flood her mind and the tears just streamed and streamed and streamed.   Blinded by anxiety and heartache she pulled over.  

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Her head dropped to her hands and rested on the steering wheel and she cried.  She cried and cried, her chest heaving, her gut twisting.  The emotional pain turned physical and her chest tightened, everything hurt.  She could not catch her breath. The rain pounded the windshield, the tears flooded her eyes.  She could not see and the wipers could not move fast enough to make a difference.  Nothing was easy, everything was too hard.  Nothing worked right.  She couldn't see, couldn't breathe and the fucking wipers were fucking useless.  Why? Why? Nothing makes sense!

He would have been with her on this journey.  He was her best friend, her love.  He was her security.  He protected her and made her feel safe and now he was gone. Was he gone?  She was confused, she was afraid and she just didn't understand. She felt naked and exposed.  How could he be gone?  She was hurt and incapable of the simplest tasks. Driving was hard.  Vision was blurred thru tears that wouldn't stop streaming. The wipers kept going.  They beat against the windshield keeping time with something, something that didn't make sense. Nothing made sense but the damn wipers kept going.  Her heart kept beating harder and harder and harder.

And she cried........


Sunday, November 12, 2017


Photo of Beetlebung - Oak Bluffs, MA, United States. See outsideDuring my annual vacation on the Vineyard I happened upon this interesting restaurant in Oak Bluffs, Beetlebung.  It had an appealing store front and an even cooler vibe once you entered the front door.  While my companion and I were there for breakfast, my immediate thought was "this place must be hopping at night."  Blue and white lights all in the right places against a back drop of gray metallic paint.  It actually reminded me a bit of the niche bars in downtown Providence, Rhode Island where the hip mixologists flock to show off their skills.  

Photo of Beetlebung - Oak Bluffs, MA, United States. Beetlebung, 53 Circuit Ave, Oak Bluffs, Martha's Vineyard

The place was busy but we still had our choice of seats at a table or at the bar.  I couldn't resist the bar with all those pretty lights so seats at the bar it was.  I opted for a Mimosa and my companion, John, chose a Bloody Mary.  They were delicious and a perfect way to start our adventure for today.  We sipped and studied what proved to be a pretty brief menu......

Photo of Beetlebung - Oak Bluffs, MA, United States. Menu

My love chose eggs benedict of some description and I chose standard fair of eggs and sausage with potatoes.  As our food arrived, disappointment set in.  I like breakfast and if there is one thing I despise is when the chef alters my sausage.  This was not your typical sausage, this was a homemade sausage patty and it was not what I was looking for or what I was expecting.  I've made sausage in my kitchen and the flavor profile is quite savory and can overpower the delicate flavor of an egg.  My pick would be to serve this type of sausage as a lunch entree with a side salad, not for breakfast.  C'est la vie, live and learn.  Perhaps it's more of a night spot to enjoy as I had NO complaints about the spirit starter!  Yum!

This consumer gives Beetlebung:
A+ for decor and vibe
A+ for perfectly poured cocktails
B- for the funky sausage

Food is a personal experience.  This was mine, take what you need and leave the rest and by all means go and have your own experience!!


Monday, September 25, 2017

Its Me Dad, Your Daughter

"My Baked Stuffed Life" has gotten bigger and more baked stuffed.  I take the good with the bad and I maintain my resolve to see the glass half full but it's not always easy.  I don't think life is meant to be easy.  I think its meant to be full.  Full of good things and bad things and challenging things.  Full of laughter and crying and giggling when you're not supposed to be giggling.  Its meant to be full of learning lessons and personal growth.  Well, I laugh and cry and giggle when I shouldn't so I guess I'm doing fine.  Still, it's not easy, except for the giggling part.  That part is easy and that's my favorite part so I'll grab hold of that nonsense and never let go.  Survival.

Image result for alarm clock imagesMy day begins like yours--I hit the snooze button no less than three times before dragging myself out of bed, all the while cursing myself for staying up too late the night before. Waking is essential to starting my ridiculously busy day so choice is taken right out of the mix.  I get up.  Shower, clothes, wake three comatose teenagers, coffee and out the door.

Did I update Dad's white board?  Crap, he'll think its Wednesday all day long.  It's Thursday.  

On a good day the commute can be 35-40 minutes. In my head I quickly calculate what the potential for being on time to work is... 

     Waking up on time - 3(snooze button) - fender bender (not mine) = I'm late. 

Image result for car wreck image I use this welcomed commuting time, now unexpectedly longer than originally anticipated, to sort thru my schedule for the week.  Dear God how on earth will I get it all done?  I probably won't get it all done and that's just fact.  I'll get over it.  A full time job, three teenagers who want/need/deserve my time and direction, a house to maintain, a budding business to run that will remain in it's infancy unless I kick it up a notch, and then there's the newest addition to the schedule, my Dad.

Dad.  If you told me twenty years ago that my father was going to have several small and undetected strokes that would slowly rob him of his physical strength, mental awareness and, worst of all, his charming wit and personality I would have told you that you were crazy.  If you would have told me that this once independent man with an active life filled with travel and golf and friends and outings, would become dependent on me, his youngest child, for everything, I would have been convinced that you were nuts. If you had told me that in twenty years my father would not know me, I would have asked you why you would say such an awful thing to me?

Its happening.  Its happening to him, to me, to my children, and to our family dynamic.  It's happening in many families, too many families,  and its hard.  It's worthy of discussion and of information sharing and that's exactly what I plan to do.  

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This is the first in a series.  I have no idea how often I'll be able to write--my time is not my own anymore.  If you are living my situation you'll get it, if not, then maybe this series isn't for you.

Be well.


Thursday, December 29, 2016

Bump In the Road

Image result for tree of life imagesI think about this blog often, this space that used to occupy so much of my time.  I can remember that it wouldn't take much to find something to write about.  It was as simple as walking down the street, seeing something that would set fire to my soul and my mind would start racing with ideas popping like corn kernels in my head of  words that would later form phrases, then sentences and finally the finished post.  I loved it and I miss not writing so today is the day.

I begin this post with a bit of trepidation.  I have an unwritten rule about writing.  I don't like negativity, nor do I want to use my space as a vehicle to spread it so the self imposed rule is no negative posts.  Having said that I need to keep things real and sometimes the world is not all sunshine and roses.  Sometimes life throws you a curve ball.  The upside of that bump in the road is that if all goes as planned a lesson is learned and you come out the other side a much stronger person.  I'm going with that and that's how we'll get past that self imposed negativity rule.  I'll allow it this one time and balance it all out by focusing on the lesson and the strength that will come in the end.

Image result for life is hard imagesLife is hard.  Life is and has been very hard but I'm a whole lot tougher than the stuff that has come my way so it's all good.  Life is difficult for everyone at times, you just have to keep on keepin' on as they say.  There's no cryin' in baseball folks so just take a deep breath and keep moving.  Not everyone thinks that way.  Some folks let the hard times consume them, weaken them. Don't do it, it's a choice isn't it?  It may not be a choice to fall on hard times but how you handle it is everything.   When I've got a tough situation and I feel devastation moving in on me I just breathe and break it down into bite sized pieces.  Whatever it takes to be able to focus on the issue at hand, deal with it and then move on to the next.  Eat that elephant one bite at a time. If you lose it then nothing gets resolved and you end up with a bigger mess.  Not everyone thinks that way but it works for me.

The world is chaos.  It seems that so many people around me are having difficulty in one way or another.  It's jaw dropping and scary to say the least.  There are painful divorces, life threatening illnesses, death, failing business woes--all within my circle of close friends and family.  In the community at large I see children being bullied, drug addictions, crime, homelessness and splintered family situations.  Our country's politics are a mess.  We have crazed people running around with guns shooting up clubs and schools and malls.  There's just so much violence and killing--some on purpose and some by accident.  The world has gone mad.  

Image result for railroad tracks imagesIf you've read any of my prior posts you'll see my views on happiness and remember that my mantra is that your own happiness is a daily choice and you are 100% responsible for it .  Some may wonder how I can "choose happiness" or be happy at all against this backdrop of unrest.  I have to.  Yes, that's right, I have to and so do you. To join the chaos or add to the negativity that surrounds me will only make matters worse.  I can't give in or give up.  This is life, this endless path of beautiful ugliness with it's soft hardness and smooth sharp edges that torments and delights is what the journey is all about.  Take it all or take none of it.  It's peaks and valleys, sunshine and rain, darkness and light--it's always been this way and it won't change so buckle up, suck it up, get strong and move forward.


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Thursday, November 5, 2015

Diary of a Mid-Life Crisis

I wrote Diary of a Mid-Life Crisis many years ago and never published it.  It felt good, at the time, to write again, to get the thoughts out of my head and down on paper.  At the time, I really thought that I was the only one who had ever had these feelings, that somehow I had failed.  Now, years later, I realize that I wasn't alone.  I've walked thru the fire and I'm on the other side now.  I survived.  I share this now and dedicate it to the many women who have gone thru it, are going thru it or will go thru it.  You will all survive.  You will all grow as I have.  Stay positive thru the struggle, know that it doesn't last forever.  Keep moving forward, keep choosing positivity in the face of negativity.  Happiness is a choice and the choice is yours.

Buckle up ladies and enjoy the ride............

Diary of a Mid-Life Crisis

It was just a minute ago that I was 16 years old, walking down the halls of my high school gossiping and giggling with my girlfriends, wasn't it?  Wasn't it just last week that I fell in love for the first time?  Had my heart broken for the first time and thought -Oh my God, how will I ever get through this?  Wasn't it?

I should have been more thankful for that time in my life.  I should have appreciated that I had no responsibility, that my biggest problem was deciding which party to go to on Friday night.  I should have been thankful.  

My parents kissed me goodbye and left me in the dorm.  Its such a big place.  There are so many people!! Wasn't that yesterday?  It feels like I just pledged that sorority.  It feels like I just went out with...uh...that guy, what was his name?  No, I guess it wasn't yesterday, I'd remember his name if it was, right?  I guess 20 years have gone by... is it 20? 30?... and I just don't know how that could be?

I should have been more thankful, more appreciative of those carefree days.

I just got my first job!!! I just got my first REAL paycheck... didn't I?  Didn't I just go out with the gang after work for cocktails to celebrate?  I guess not, I guess that was a while ago now, but it sure feels like only yesterday.

I should have been more thankful, I should have appreciated having my own time to do what I wanted to do.

I just got an apartment with my best friend from college!!  We have no furniture but the bar is fully stocked, it's Friday night, the band is playing at our favorite spot and we're on a mission!!  I'm not driving... you you...ok, let's take a cab.  Woooohoooooo!  Afterhours at our house!  I can still hear the music... I can still feel the hangover.  Didn't that just happen?  Where did everybody go?

I really should have been more thankful.

My best friend is getting married today.  I'm her maid of honor.  I'll stand up for her today and wish her well but I know things will change now.  I'm the last one standing.  Everyone is married.  Husbands will come first and I'll just have to understand.  That's ok though, my adventure is just beginning, right?  Right?

I've got my career now.  I've got my married friends with all their kids who love to hear about my single life... giggle.  Oh my God I'm sick of being set up!  Why does everyone try to marry me off??

I should have been more thankful for my freedom.  I should have appreciated not having to answer to anyone but me.  I should have been more protective of my hard earned independence.  

Wow!! I think I met know, the ONE!  He treats me like a princess!  He tells me I'm beautiful!  There is nothing he wouldn't do for me and oh my God I think I love him!  

It's my wedding day!  The sun is shining and life couldn't be better!  The limo pulls up, Daddy gets out first and then holds out his hand for me.  I can still feel the wind off the ocean, it's blowing my veil everywhere.  Daddy takes a few steps toward the church and I'm overcome... with something... what is it?  I was so sure...wasn't I?  I'm scared now Daddy...wait, wait, wait Daddy!  Please... wait, not yet.  Tears...tears...tears... OMG! OMG! OMG!... He asks me if everything is ok?  Do I want to go in now?  Deep breath... ok Daddy, let's go.

It's Fathers Day 2001 and I'm in labor and I don't even know it...giggle.  She came fast and she was beautiful.  Life will never be the same.  You'll help me won't you?  She's your daughter too.

It's March 2003 and I've been in the hospital for 3 months now.  This pregnancy has been a tough one but I'm strong.  My husband is doing all he can, the very best that he can.  I miss my family, my little girl.  I mourn for her and our special time... will she forgive me when I bring.... gulp... two boys home????  My life will never be the same.

They all need a diaper change, they all need to be fed, I have to make dinner and then do the dishes... I'm  tired...won't somebody help me?  If I could only get some sleep...please, won't somebody help me?  I have to do the laundry, I have to cook dinner, I have to go to the grocery store...will you help me?  Why won't you help me?  Where is my husband?

Where is my husband?  Shouldn't you spend time with me?  Isn't that what we are supposed to do?  I guess I'm not a princess anymore.  The clock must have struck midnight.  I'm trying... I'm really trying.  I can't do it all by myself.  

You're Super Mom!  How do you do it?  You really should get out and do something for yourself...but there's no time, I can't, who will stay with my babies?  Where is my husband?  I'm tired... won't somebody help me?  They'll be grown before you know're doing a great job but you really should take care of yourself.  How?  How?  Won't somebody help me?  I can't do it all by myself.

They're in school now.  I have wonderful children.  They are beautiful and smart and well behaved.  Maybe I can do something for me now?  I know I'll....uh...what do I like?  I don't remember.  I used to love to...uh..hmmm... I don't remember.  I know, I'll get a job.  Who will hire me?  What can I do?  Is this all there is?  

Don't take that job, that's not enough money.  Why would you do that?  You should just stay home.    What's for dinner?   You really need to take the car in and go to the dry cleaners.  I have to get them to practice...there's a meeting at the school... I'm trying, I'm really trying.  I need somebody to help me.  Where is my husband?  He was here a minute ago, wasn't he?  

Is this all there is?  It can't be, this can't be all there is.  I worked so hard for so long.  Where did I go?  Where did my husband go?  Why wouldn't you help me?  I should have been more thankful.  I should have been more careful.  I should have been more protective of my independence.