Thursday, November 5, 2015

Diary of a Mid-Life Crisis

I wrote Diary of a Mid-Life Crisis many years ago and never published it.  It felt good, at the time, to write again, to get the thoughts out of my head and down on paper.  At the time, I really thought that I was the only one who had ever had these feelings, that somehow I had failed.  Now, years later, I realize that I wasn't alone.  I've walked thru the fire and I'm on the other side now.  I survived.  I share this now and dedicate it to the many women who have gone thru it, are going thru it or will go thru it.  You will all survive.  You will all grow as I have.  Stay positive thru the struggle, know that it doesn't last forever.  Keep moving forward, keep choosing positivity in the face of negativity.  Happiness is a choice and the choice is yours.

Buckle up ladies and enjoy the ride............

Diary of a Mid-Life Crisis

It was just a minute ago that I was 16 years old, walking down the halls of my high school gossiping and giggling with my girlfriends, wasn't it?  Wasn't it just last week that I fell in love for the first time?  Had my heart broken for the first time and thought -Oh my God, how will I ever get through this?  Wasn't it?

I should have been more thankful for that time in my life.  I should have appreciated that I had no responsibility, that my biggest problem was deciding which party to go to on Friday night.  I should have been thankful.  

My parents kissed me goodbye and left me in the dorm.  Its such a big place.  There are so many people!! Wasn't that yesterday?  It feels like I just pledged that sorority.  It feels like I just went out with...uh...that guy, what was his name?  No, I guess it wasn't yesterday, I'd remember his name if it was, right?  I guess 20 years have gone by... is it 20? 30?... and I just don't know how that could be?

I should have been more thankful, more appreciative of those carefree days.

I just got my first job!!! I just got my first REAL paycheck... didn't I?  Didn't I just go out with the gang after work for cocktails to celebrate?  I guess not, I guess that was a while ago now, but it sure feels like only yesterday.

I should have been more thankful, I should have appreciated having my own time to do what I wanted to do.

I just got an apartment with my best friend from college!!  We have no furniture but the bar is fully stocked, it's Friday night, the band is playing at our favorite spot and we're on a mission!!  I'm not driving... you you...ok, let's take a cab.  Woooohoooooo!  Afterhours at our house!  I can still hear the music... I can still feel the hangover.  Didn't that just happen?  Where did everybody go?

I really should have been more thankful.

My best friend is getting married today.  I'm her maid of honor.  I'll stand up for her today and wish her well but I know things will change now.  I'm the last one standing.  Everyone is married.  Husbands will come first and I'll just have to understand.  That's ok though, my adventure is just beginning, right?  Right?

I've got my career now.  I've got my married friends with all their kids who love to hear about my single life... giggle.  Oh my God I'm sick of being set up!  Why does everyone try to marry me off??

I should have been more thankful for my freedom.  I should have appreciated not having to answer to anyone but me.  I should have been more protective of my hard earned independence.  

Wow!! I think I met know, the ONE!  He treats me like a princess!  He tells me I'm beautiful!  There is nothing he wouldn't do for me and oh my God I think I love him!  

It's my wedding day!  The sun is shining and life couldn't be better!  The limo pulls up, Daddy gets out first and then holds out his hand for me.  I can still feel the wind off the ocean, it's blowing my veil everywhere.  Daddy takes a few steps toward the church and I'm overcome... with something... what is it?  I was so sure...wasn't I?  I'm scared now Daddy...wait, wait, wait Daddy!  Please... wait, not yet.  Tears...tears...tears... OMG! OMG! OMG!... He asks me if everything is ok?  Do I want to go in now?  Deep breath... ok Daddy, let's go.

It's Fathers Day 2001 and I'm in labor and I don't even know it...giggle.  She came fast and she was beautiful.  Life will never be the same.  You'll help me won't you?  She's your daughter too.

It's March 2003 and I've been in the hospital for 3 months now.  This pregnancy has been a tough one but I'm strong.  My husband is doing all he can, the very best that he can.  I miss my family, my little girl.  I mourn for her and our special time... will she forgive me when I bring.... gulp... two boys home????  My life will never be the same.

They all need a diaper change, they all need to be fed, I have to make dinner and then do the dishes... I'm  tired...won't somebody help me?  If I could only get some sleep...please, won't somebody help me?  I have to do the laundry, I have to cook dinner, I have to go to the grocery store...will you help me?  Why won't you help me?  Where is my husband?

Where is my husband?  Shouldn't you spend time with me?  Isn't that what we are supposed to do?  I guess I'm not a princess anymore.  The clock must have struck midnight.  I'm trying... I'm really trying.  I can't do it all by myself.  

You're Super Mom!  How do you do it?  You really should get out and do something for yourself...but there's no time, I can't, who will stay with my babies?  Where is my husband?  I'm tired... won't somebody help me?  They'll be grown before you know're doing a great job but you really should take care of yourself.  How?  How?  Won't somebody help me?  I can't do it all by myself.

They're in school now.  I have wonderful children.  They are beautiful and smart and well behaved.  Maybe I can do something for me now?  I know I'll....uh...what do I like?  I don't remember.  I used to love to...uh..hmmm... I don't remember.  I know, I'll get a job.  Who will hire me?  What can I do?  Is this all there is?  

Don't take that job, that's not enough money.  Why would you do that?  You should just stay home.    What's for dinner?   You really need to take the car in and go to the dry cleaners.  I have to get them to practice...there's a meeting at the school... I'm trying, I'm really trying.  I need somebody to help me.  Where is my husband?  He was here a minute ago, wasn't he?  

Is this all there is?  It can't be, this can't be all there is.  I worked so hard for so long.  Where did I go?  Where did my husband go?  Why wouldn't you help me?  I should have been more thankful.  I should have been more careful.  I should have been more protective of my independence.


No comments:

Post a Comment